


Hotdaga: The Side Dish Prequel

by tiniegyus



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: @ ryan i'm sorry, F/F, Other, That's it that's the plot, a corn and a french fries fall in love, and then pam fucks it up of course, but i also tagged it as other because they're food??, dan and his family will probably make an appearance too, i can't believe i actually wrote this what the fuck, i tagged it as f/f, this would be complete crack if it wasn't for the fact that shane wrote the hotdaga first tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 00:08:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14068581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiniegyus/pseuds/tiniegyus
Summary: There was a beach. There was a beach and a wedding and then there was fire and death. There was a beach and a wedding and there was falling and there was a college dorm room and a tiny apartment and a ring and most of all there was Jeborah.





	Hotdaga: The Side Dish Prequel

There was a beach. There was a beach and a wedding and then there was fire and death. There was a beach and a wedding and there was falling and there was a college dorm room and a tiny apartment and a ring and most of all there was Gebra.

~~~

Maizey first met Gebra in their freshman year of college. They were both nervous and a little bit lost - the first attendees of their college that weren’t hotdogs (up until the past year only hot dogs and other sausages had been allowed into the school until the Supreme Food Court ruled that making side dishes separate was not making them equal). As the only two who had been brave enough to take advantage of this new ruling, they were paired together as roommates in an otherwise hot dog dominated world.

Many of the hot dogs were not happy about the perceived interlopers in their midst, and because of this Maizey and Gebra soon became inseparable. At first it was merely for safety reasons - in their first week alone the side dishes were harassed several times - but they soon found that they enjoyed each other’s company and before long they were hanging out because they were friends, not because they were following the buddy system.

The first time Maizey met Gene was in the first semester of their second year. One afternoon, while she and Gebra were studying in their room - they’d originally studied in the library, but there was a particularly nasty bratwurst who liked to taunt them as they worked - Gebra suddenly broke the silence and said, “My brother is coming to visit.”

“Your brother?” Maizey frowned. “I didn’t know you had a brother.”

Gebra nodded. “His name is Gene, a french fries, like me. He’s a very well rounded character, the type that Mark Twain would have been proud to write.”

“When is he coming?”

“Tomorrow,” Gebra replied sheepishly. “I told him he could stay here. I hope you don’t mind.”

Maizey shook her head. “Not a problem. Just make sure you stay safe if you take him on a campus tour.”

Gebra smiled. “Thanks, Maize, you’re the best!”

When Gene arrived on campus it quickly became clear that he was just as well-rounded and likeable as Gebra had promised. He and Maizey quickly became friends - it was hard not to become friends with Gene, his personality was just that rich and compelling - and bonded over a love of music.

“Oh, well, I’m in a band, you know,” he told her proudly. “The Risky Fixin’s! You should come hear us play sometime!”

“Definitely,” she promised.

As her friendship with Gene grew, however, her relationship with Gebra started to falter. Where before they were comfortable around each other, able to share each other’s space without worrying about filling the silences that naturally occured, now they were hesitant, the silences filled with tension. Even after Gene left to go back to touring with his band, the stilted nature of their friendship remained. What could be causing it though, Maizey had no idea. Gebra wouldn’t say anything, no matter how much Maizey pressed her for an answer.

Finally, after a month, Maizey noticed a pattern. Everytime she mentioned Gene, Gebra seemed to grow colder towards her. In order to test her theory Maizey began to mention the charismatic french fries more often. Sure enough, Gebra would always glare for a moment, before effectively cutting off all communication for the next few hours. After about a week of testing this theory, Maizey had had enough.

“Dammit, Gebra!” She exclaimed. “Will you just fucking _talk to me_?”

“I… I am talking to you?” Gebra said, frowning.

“You know what I mean! Stop pulling away from me everytime I mention your brother!”

“Maizey, I don’t know what you’re talking -”

“What happened, Geb? What can I do to make things like they were?” Maizey was desperate at this point. Gebra was her best friend, the only friend she had other than Gene. If she lost Gebra, she didn’t know what she would do. “How can I get you to stop pulling away from me?”

Gebra sighed. “It’s not your fault, Maize. It’s my own personal issues. I’ll get over it, I promise.”

“It’s been a month since Gene left and you’ve just gotten worse.”

“I’m fine, I promise, I just need some more time -”

“Some more time for what?!”

“More time to get over you!” Gebra shouted. She froze in her seat, a horrified look on her face as she stared at Maizey, her mouth hanging open. “Oh god…”

Now, it’s important to note that Maizey was what you would call an equal opportunity corn. She wasn’t willing to deal with restrictions on who she could date just because they were a different type of food. They were all edible in the end, so did it really matter if she only dated corn? Meanwhile, Gebra was talking, rambling as she tried to take back what she said. “ - and clearly I just meant I needed to get over you as a _best friend_ because my brother is your best friend now, and I -”

“Shut up,” Maizey said, quietly, but firmly. “You like me?”

Gebra seemed to sag in her seat. “Maybe?”

“Cool,” Maizey nodded. “Go on a date with me?”

Gebra’s eyes shot up to stare at the corn. “What?”

“Go on a date with me. We’ve both got Saturday night free, let’s go for dinner.”

“You want to go out with me?”

Maizey rolled her eyes. “ _Obviously,_ or I wouldn’t have asked you.”

“Ok,” Gebra agreed, although she was obviously still flustered.

And so they went on one date, which turned into two dates, and then three and four until somehow it was the end of their senior year and they were renting an apartment together.

They spent several months hunting for the perfect apartment, somewhere that they could call home. Gene came along with them - the Risky Fixin’s had broken up several months prior and both Gebra and Maizey were committed to trying to pull him out of his funk. When they finally found the right apartment they signed the lease the next day, and were all set to move in after a week.

The first night in the apartment Maizey made dinner while Gebra unpacked. It was a small apartment, only one bedroom, and so Maizey would see flashes of Gebra as the french fries moved through the space. It hit her then - they’d made it. They’d survived four years of rotten sausage wieners and now they were here in their own place with everything in life ahead of them. That was when Maizey knew, and she dropped what she was doing and rushed to the bedroom where her girlfriend was organizing their books. “Gebra!”

She turned around, a bright smile on her face. “Yes?”

“I was just making dinner and I thought - let’s get married!”

“What?”

“I know this isn’t amazingly romantic or anything, but I love you and I never plan to stop. So, let’s get married, yeah?”

And Gebra smiled sweetly and nodded. “Yeah.”

~~~

There was a beach. There was a beach and a wedding and then there was fire and death. There was a beach and a wedding and there was falling and there was a college dorm room and a tiny apartment and a ring and there was Gebra and _none of it was real_.

The news that she and Gebra were actually witch holograms created by the evil sister-in-law of Dan the hot dog was completely unexpected. How could she, Maizey the corn, be a hologram? She remembered her life, her parents and her friends and her love. How could all of that be false? And yet, as she watched her body fade and become see-through she knew there was no way that Pam was telling anything but the truth.

She looked at her fiancée - or not, she supposed, since all of this was fake - in fear. They were nothing, creatures created for the sole purpose of luring Gene and the Hot Dog family to this volcano. And yet, as she thought back over everything she felt her will to live, to _be_ something, grow stronger.

“Hold on one goddamn minute!” She exclaimed, cutting off Pam’s evil monologue.

“Maizey?” Pam asked.

“That’s right,” she replied, her confidence growing with every word. “I may be corn, and I may be a witch hologram, but I was conjured to love Gebra, and she’s as real to me as anything I’ve ever known! And you’ve got to be stupid to think that I’m going to let the simple fact that we’re both holograms created by some annoying hot dog witch and her raccoon pal get in the way of _our_ day."

“The raccoon is actually the ghost of my younger self,” interjected Brandon, one of the hot dogs that had brought this whole mess down on them in the first place. “I ate him, and now he’s mad.”

“I don’t care, Brandon!” She snapped. “Witch-lady, Pam, whatever your deal is, will you press pause on your shit for five minutes?”

“I-I,” Pam stuttered. “Fine?”

“Good. Sausage Priest! You’re real, marry us,” Maizey ordered.

“By the power zested in me, I now pronounce you fries and corn,” the priest replied without missing a beat.

As everyone applauded Maizey smiled. Whatever happened now, she and Gebra would be together.

~~~

There was a beach. There was a beach and a wedding and then there was fire and death. There was a beach and a wedding and there was falling and there was a college dorm room and a tiny apartment and a ring and there was Gebra and yeah, maybe none of the beginning of the story was real, but everything that came after was, and that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> This is complete bullshit, but I can't draw so this is my contribution to the fandom I guess. I stole all the dialogue in the end scene from the end of the season two finale, and I humbly ask that Buzzfeed not bring a lawsuit down upon my head. I probably won't post anything else from a Buzzfeed fandom, but if you're into kpop you can follow me on twitter @tiniegyus


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